If Stephen Colbert Interviewed the HIP Investor — on “Colbert Platinum”

Fans of cable-channel star Stephen Colbert, of The Colbert Report, enjoy watching Stephen profiling the “good life” of living large.  One day (hopefully soon), Colbert will discover how investing can be more HIP.  What would that interview be like?  Here’s one take:

STEPHEN – Could I Be More HIP by Being More Greedy?  Yeah, I’m green, like a forest full of money

STEPHEN COLBERT:  Welcome to Paul Herman, a very HIP investment manager, and our (future) next guest on Colbert Platinum – which, as you know, is focused on the good life.

I know you tree-huggers [er, impact investors] – you want to convince me to make less money in order to save the planet. But I like making money! I can save the planet after I own it! 

PAUL HERMAN (HIP): I like making money too, Stephen. In fact, I bet I can make more money than you and your old-fashioned ways.

STEPHEN COLBERT: What do you mean? I had some great ideas, like, switching to dirty coal because it’s cheaper now…

PAUL HERMAN (HIP): Stephen, there could be quite a mess cleaning up after your “ash” – how about we just harness the winds of Mother Earth for easily renewable power.

STEPHEN COLBERT: OK, Mr. HIP, how about we make more money by firing some people –

PAUL HERMAN (HIP): Stephen, you know that any new idea comes from people, not computers.  So how about we not only keep them, let’s value their ideas on the financial statements.  In fact, the more diverse the staff, the better a company typically performs. More women on the Board of Directors correlates with higher financial performance.

STEPHEN COLBERT: I like women, so let’s make some room…we can take down some trees to save money

PAUL HERMAN (HIP): Actually, Stephen, GE has sold $17 billion worth of spinning wind blades, producing locomotives that are more efficient, and keeping your lights on in this studio with eco-lighting. Plus, don’t you want to own the Amazon’s trees and all its ingredients for Prescott Pharmaceuticals (your pharmaceutical company).

STEPHEN COLBERT:  Good idea, health does come first. But, no need for pesky files, let’s burn our paper records…

PAUL HERMAN (HIP): Hold on Stephen – if you actually publish them on the Internet, then everyone will know you are more truthful, just like Hewlett Packard, Nike and Starbucks are doing with the businesses they buy from. Plus they actually loan money to farmers who produce organic and fair trade coffee beans.  Don’t you want Esteban Colberto to expand his fair-trade coffee empire??

STEPHEN COLBERT: He does need a bigger pension-ay.  Maybe we can cut back on his healthcare benefits.

PAUL HERMAN (HIP): No need Stephen, just open the windows and let some fresh air and light in.  Did you know if you did that, employee absenteeism would decline, and you would make money sir! No more temp agencies for you.  Plus, employee health care costs go down when they breathe natural air – even here in Manhattan (though it’s not so true in Harlem).  Higher test scores too for kids in schools that have natural-light, open-air eco-buildings like the Empire State Building – don’t you want to own that too?

STEPHEN COLBERT: Speaking of kids, how about child labor – aren’t they cheaper?

PAUL HERMAN (HIP): Come on Stephen – if you want to make more money than you know how to burn, how about educating all the kids – boys AND girls worldwide – and then employing them as your money managers and as R&D scientists for your Pharma company – that’s very HIP!

STEPHEN COLBERT:  I like the sound of that.  And may I say, you sir, are a formidable opponent. 

Now, let’s move some books, and give HIP the Colbert “Bump” – go get “The HIP Investor: Make Bigger Profits by Building a Better World” ……(Stephen whispering) just don’t tell anyone I am doing good – it risks my reputation at the country club!

Ladies and Gentleman, Paul Herman, investment adviser and author of The HIP Investor book, we’ll be right back after I go shine my bio-diesel Land Rover I “borrowed” from Gov. Schwarzenegger!

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